A night of gambling disaster – written 2004

A NIGHT OF GAMBLING DISASTER
 
I went out gambling again tonight
I know deep down that it’s not right
But there was a need inside of me to go
Why I went there – I don’t really know?
 
I gambled away most of my money
And I felt very annoyed and sorry
But still I had to chase the money I’d lost
I had to get the money back at any cost
 
So I went to the bank and withdrew money that wasn’t mine
Knowing the withdrawal would get me a very large fine
I had to chase the money back that I’d put in the machine
I felt so frustrated about it that I felt I could scream
 
But instead of winning I lost money, more and more
I went into a panic and what I was going to do I wasn’t sure
I actually felt totally and utterly upset
I was anxious that more money was something that I needed to get
 
I tried again to get more money from the bank
But I couldn’t and into depression I sank
I managed though to borrow money off a fellow gambler
At the time I was so grateful to her
 
I told her that I would give her the money back when I had won
But within minutes her money had also gone
By rights the bloody machine should pay out soon
I suddenly became conscious that I was being watched in the room
 
Their eyes had watched me loose money in the machine
Well to me that is how it really did seem
I felt that I wasn’t really prepared to walk away
Because the blasted machine was due to pay
 
I wandered whether to leave the gambling place then and there
I felt what had happened to me was totally not fair
I felt that the other gamblers were a scaverging lot
They’ll jump on the machine and my money they’ll have got
 
I had to leave because I hadn’t got a single penny in my purse
It was then that I felt that my gambling had got a lot worse
I wasn’t sure what the hell I should do
This was a feeling that I didn’t want to go through
 
In the gambling place I could no longer remain
I said to myself ‘you stupid bitch – you’re totally insane’
I wanted my gambling addiction to go away for good
But have I got the confidence – I know I should
 
I ripped up my membership card as I walked out the door
I felt that that would help me to stop gambling for sure
I felt that I wanted the gambling to go over time
And that it would no longer be an addiction that was mine
  
I hoped that my gambling addiction would cause me less concern
And that from today’s gambling disaster I would like to learn
Maybe I needed to attend a gambler’s anonymous meeting
As their help is something that I should be truly seeking
 
I wished that my addiction would just go away
But I have to take each day as a ‘new gambling free day’
I know that I have to take each day one by one
Until the stupid gambling addiction had gone!!
 
(Michelle    –    written April 2004)