Forums Poetry Corner A night of gambling disaster – written 2004

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        I went out gambling again tonight
        I know deep down that it’s not right
        But there was a need inside of me to go
        Why I went there – I don’t really know?
        I gambled away most of my money
        And I felt very annoyed and sorry
        But still I had to chase the money I’d lost
        I had to get the money back at any cost
        So I went to the bank and withdrew money that wasn’t mine
        Knowing the withdrawal would get me a very large fine
        I had to chase the money back that I’d put in the machine
        I felt so frustrated about it that I felt I could scream
        But instead of winning I lost money, more and more
        I went into a panic and what I was going to do I wasn’t sure
        I actually felt totally and utterly upset
        I was anxious that more money was something that I needed to get
        I tried again to get more money from the bank
        But I couldn’t and into depression I sank
        I managed though to borrow money off a fellow gambler
        At the time I was so grateful to her
        I told her that I would give her the money back when I had won
        But within minutes her money had also gone
        By rights the bloody machine should pay out soon
        I suddenly became conscious that I was being watched in the room
        Their eyes had watched me loose money in the machine
        Well to me that is how it really did seem
        I felt that I wasn’t really prepared to walk away
        Because the blasted machine was due to pay
        I wandered whether to leave the gambling place then and there
        I felt what had happened to me was totally not fair
        I felt that the other gamblers were a scaverging lot
        They’ll jump on the machine and my money they’ll have got
        I had to leave because I hadn’t got a single penny in my purse
        It was then that I felt that my gambling had got a lot worse
        I wasn’t sure what the hell I should do
        This was a feeling that I didn’t want to go through
        In the gambling place I could no longer remain
        I said to myself ‘you stupid bitch – you’re totally insane’
        I wanted my gambling addiction to go away for good
        But have I got the confidence – I know I should
        I ripped up my membership card as I walked out the door
        I felt that that would help me to stop gambling for sure
        I felt that I wanted the gambling to go over time
        And that it would no longer be an addiction that was mine
        I hoped that my gambling addiction would cause me less concern
        And that from today’s gambling disaster I would like to learn
        Maybe I needed to attend a gambler’s anonymous meeting
        As their help is something that I should be truly seeking
        I wished that my addiction would just go away
        But I have to take each day as a ‘new gambling free day’
        I know that I have to take each day one by one
        Until the stupid gambling addiction had gone!!
        (Michelle    –    written April 2004)

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